


Genna, Arya and a Bridal Shower

by ikkiM



Series: Scenes in Search of a Fic [7]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Nonsense, unfinished fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-16 00:21:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5805985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikkiM/pseuds/ikkiM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>More from Scenes in Search of a Fic. The first two Genna parts occur before the fake engagement, then one after, the Arya parts after and then the Bridal Shower is the final scene. You really do need to read the other bits to understand what's happening. Unbeta-ed. Messy. I know.</p><p>This is for godo, aka <a href="http://godomischief.tumblr.com/">godomischief</a> on Tumblr. For all the amazing videos she makes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tywin Needs a Woman's Advice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [godo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/godo/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Genna has a talk with Tywin. A running gag I have with Tywin is that he's obsessed with checking his heart rate with the FitBit Brienne bought for him.

Genna Frey settled herself in a chair in her brother’s study. “So Kevan tells me you’re matchmaking with Jaime.”

Tywin tapped his pen on the desk. “Kevan should talks far more than he should.” He glanced at his at the black band on his wrist.

“Jaime is my favorite nephew. And Kevan said he likes the girl. I met her myself when I arrived. She’s rather…” Genna waved her hand in the air.

Tywin arched his brow. “Tall? Young? Healthy? Loyal? Incorruptible?”

Genna was surprised. She’d intended to say ugly and awkward. “Maybe she is all that, but what makes you think she should marry Jaime?”

Tywin glanced at his watch again before leaning back in his chair. “Have you seen them together?”

She hadn’t; she shook her head.

“Jaime is quite attentive and possessive. Just the other day, she described him as ‘needy.’ When have you known Jaime to need anyone?”

“You really think he cares for her?”

“Why shouldn’t he?” 

Genna recognized the challenge in his eyes. She knew better than to share her thoughts on Brienne’s looks. “Being friendly and protective are a far cry from being in love, Tywin. There has to be a certain…physical attraction.” Although Brienne had seemed a nice girl, she wasn’t one to inspire passion.

“What do you know of cellular phone ringtones?”

Genna started at the change of subject. “Red Walder set up my phone. Most of that is beyond me.”

“As Ms. Tarth explained to me just the other day, one can change the sound your phone makes when someone calls. You can individualize these ‘ringtones.’ Jaime apparently takes delight in changing hers. Currently when he calls or sends her a digital text message, her device plays a ringtone of a man requesting a woman to ‘talk dirty’ to him. Does that not sound like he’s physically attracted?” Tywin looked smug.

Genna laughed. She actually knew the song. Red Walder was always listening to inappropriate music. “That sounds like Jaime as a little boy, all mischievous and causing trouble.”

Tywin glanced at his watch yet again. Genna wondered if he had somewhere to be. “Yes, his attempts at wooing are somewhat inept. He requires guidance,” he paused in thought, “or assistance.”

“You’re not just going to order him to marry and produce children?” Genna asked.

“I would, but Ms. Tarth maintains a disturbing level of independence. I’m attempting to be patient.” A flicker of irritation crossed Tywin’s face. He looked at his watch again. That was becoming irritating to her.

“All right. I’ll give you that he likes her, may even feel an attraction to her, but you have to let these things happen, Tywin. You can’t force people to fall I love.”

He leveled his pale green eyes on her. “I am aware. Do you, perchance, have any suggestions on how to speed up the process? From a woman’s perspective?”

Genna grinned. This was a golden opportunity. “Proximity is usually helpful. Have them spend as much time together as possible. Then if it’s going to happen, it will happen. Maybe you should watch some rom-com movies to get some ideas. I can put together a list?”

Tywin steepled his fingers, flicking his eyes over his watch. “Are you suggesting I lock them in a cellar?”

She laughed. “No, but if Jaime has to travel, send her with him. Let them spend time together. See where it leads.”

“If I send her with him, she’ll have less time to spend with _me_.”

Genna thought she heard a whining note in his voice, but convinced herself she must be mistaken. The thought seemed ludicrous. She caught him again looking at his watch. “Am I keeping you from something, brother? You seem a little preoccupied with the time.”

Tywin retracted his hand, but stopped before shoving it under the desk. He looked again at the watch. “It was a gift from Ms. Tarth.” He tone brooked no questions. “What is a rom-com?”


	2. The Bet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my take on the Bet.

Genna Lannister Frey was known for her parties. She always invited a nice mix of the right people. Everyone enjoyed themselves. She prided herself on the fact. There were no arguments, no dramatic scenes and certainly no _fisticuffs_.

That Tarth girl seemed about to change all of that. Two young men had approached Brienne a few moments ago. Genna believed Walder had asked her to invite them as potential prospects for some of his girls. She thought their names were Hunt and Connington. It looked like Brienne was about to punch one of them. Jaime had joined her at the table and he looked like he wanted to throw a punch as well. She discreetly tugged at Tywin's sleeve and guided him across the room. Genna was not going to allow Jaime and some girl ruin her reputation as the best hostess in Westeros.

By the time they reached the table, Jaime had placed himself between Brienne and the men, the girl was red and fuming, the men were laughing and Jaime was convulsively flexing his right hand.

“Jaime.” Genna was relieved to hear Tywin using his best lord of the manner voice. Jaime snapped to attention out of instinct. Brienne tried to sidestep him.

“Brienne,” Genna called out to get her attention. She had to call out a second time before the girl looked at her with eyes full of fury. Jaime angled himself to push Brienne towards Genna while keeping his body between her and the other men. He reached behind him and threaded his fingers through hers. Genna covered her surprise. There were more immediate issues to address in the form of a doughy redhead and a blandly handsome sot.

Tywin took control of the situation. She was never more grateful to him. He turned to the two young men. “I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Tywin Lannister.” The young men held out their hands to shake.

“Ron Connington.”

“Hyle Hunt.”

Tywin looked at their outstretched hands and turned to back to Jaime. “Jaime, it’s become rather stuffy in here. Why don’t you take Ms. Tarth out on the balcony for air? I’d like an opportunity to speak with these gentleman privately.”

Jaime stared at his father. Genna remained perfectly still, willing Jaime into obedience. Brienne dropped her shoulders and squeezed Jaime’s hand.

“Yes, thank you, Mr. Lannister,” Brienne said as she tugged at Jaime’s hand. At least she had the good manners to willing leave the fight even if Jaime didn’t. Genna sent her a grateful nod as she pulled Jaime away.

Tywin turned back to Hunt and Connington. “You know Ms. Tarth?”

Connington answered, “You mean Brienne the Beauty?” He seemed to be hoping for a laugh.

Tywin leveled him with a stare.

Hunt had a little more savvy and tried to salvage the situation, “We went to college at Winterfell with her. We knew her before she started dating Renly.”

Genna stepped in, “Oh?”

The young man flushed under her gaze. “Yeah, we had kind of asked her out, sort of.”

That got a reaction from Tywin, “Indeed?”

Connington seemed particularly inept at understanding the atmosphere and he blurted out, “Not for real, just as a joke.”

Tywin was normally a still man, but he seemed to have turned to stone at that. She reached out to touch her brother’s arm. She couldn’t have him throwing a punch either. His voice was ice as he repeated, “A joke?”

She had to do something. She turned to the younger men, “Gentlemen, have you met all of Walder’s daughters yet? Please, come with me and I’ll introduce you.”

Hunt took the hint and pulled Connington away. She signaled Tyrion to go attend Tywin and left the Hunt and Connington talking to her ugliest nieces. Those two would never be invited to one of her parties again. She wasn’t fond of the Tarth girl, but they’d seemed particularly cruel. She made her way to the balcony to check on Jaime. She couldn’t quite see them but she could hear them. She stayed in the shadows.

“They did what?” Jaime sounded outraged.

“It was not a big deal. It was years ago.” Brienne seemed to be trying to placate him.

“Brienne, they made a bet to see who could take your virginity and it’s not a _big deal_?”

_Oh_ , Genna thought, _she’d make sure those boys never received an invitation anywhere in Westeros_.

“Renly found out about it and told me. I gave Hyle a black eye and broke Ron’s nose.” Genna smiled at that. At least the girl had backbone.

Jaime did not sound appeased, “I’m going to knock out their teeth and have them made into a necklace for you.”

Brienne laughed at that. It was a remarkable laugh, a laugh of a more confident woman. It wasn’t the childish giggle of a schoolgirl, but neither was it a laugh of invitation. It was a laugh with depth of character. Maybe Genna had been wrong about the young woman.

She heard Brienne speaking again, her voice no longer tight, “That’s disgusting. A necklace of teeth. What outfit goes with that anyway?”

She heard a slight shuffling then Jaime’s voice somewhat muffled, “Jewelry made from the bones of our enemies should be a Lannister staple. We’ll start a fashion trend.”

Brienne laughed again, softer this time. Genna risked stepping out of the shadows to catch a glimpse of them. They were embracing. In her heels, Brienne was a good four inches taller and Jaime had his forehead pressed to her shoulder. There was a burst of laughter from the party and they broke apart. Genna approached them. “Jaime. Brienne. My apologies for any unpleasantness those boys may have caused.”

As she stepped away from Jaime, Brienne stumbled. He caught her almost automatically. Brienne blushed, “I’m sorry, Mrs. Frey. I should have handled the situation better.”

Jaime snorted, “By poisoning them instead of threatening to flatten them? Is poison more discreet in fashionable society? What is the best way to exact revenge on one's enemies at a social engagement, Aunt Genna? Slitting their throats?”

Genna ignored him and reached out to take Brienne by the arm and lead her back inside. “No worries, my dear. Men can be such asses. Please, call me Genna. I’ve a feeling we’re going to become great friends.”

Genna hated to admit it, but Tywin was right about Jaime and Brienne.


	3. A Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaime kisses Brienne for the third time. All does not go well. This takes place the morning after Brienne agrees to stay "fake engaged" to Jaime.

Jaime texted her. Library NOW.

`Brienne: Why?`  


`Jaime: Can you ever just do what you’re told?`  


`Brienne: Fine.`  


He decided that the problem with last night's disastrous kiss was that it was too choreographed. Their amazing kiss in the ladies’ room had been spontaneous. His plan was to be spontaneous again. Although even last night, her lips had been soft. His palms were sweating as he waited for her. _Spontaneous, spontaneous_.

She opened the door. He pulled her into the room and pushed her back into the door. He pressed his body against her, holding her still. He crashed his mouth into hers. She tried to speak and he took the opportunity to slide his tongue between her lips. He stroked her tongue with his. She dropped her tablet and it fell on his foot. He thought it might have broken a bone. Her hands came up to his shoulders. He pressed his thigh between her legs. He softened the kiss, sucking gently on her lower lip. He ran his left hand up her ribcage, stopping just below the side of her breast. She was kissing him back now, her lips moving over his. He wanted to do this for hours. He wanted to throw her on the floor and fuck her right that instant. His foot was killing him. She jerked into him as someone tried to open the door.

He heard someone calling, “Jaime? Jaime?” It was Aunt Genna, now officially his least favorite relative. He took a half step back. Brienne seemed to slump down, her eyes cloudy and her cheeks flaming. His foot was smarting.

“What?” he growled.

“Open the door. Varys told me Brienne just went in there with you. We need to meet and start wedding planning.”

Brienne began shaking her head violently.

Jaime chuckled. “Oh, she’s right here. Give us just a second.” He stepped all the way back from her and straightened his clothes. He adjusted her shirt. Her lips were swollen and she was shooting him a murderous glare. The combination was delightful. He had an urge to pull out his phone and take a picture.

Brienne bent over and picked up her tablet. She stepped into the room and Genna opened the door.

“Brienne, dear, I’ve been looking for you. We need to start planning this wedding.” Genna looked from Brienne to Jaime and back to Brienne. Brienne started to blush.

“Well then,” Jaime said. “I’ll leave you ladies to it.” He made to grab his own tablet and go, thinking a nice bag of ice might stop the likely swelling.

Genna scoffed, “Don’t be ridiculous, Jaime. You need to discuss these things as well. Wedding planning isn’t women’s work anymore.”

He heard Brienne smother a laugh. He sent her a glare, and a wink. Her cheeks flamed.

It was only a few moments later that Genna was droning on about wedding planners and venues and caterers. Brienne was sitting down from him on the couch looking at her tablet. He opened a chat window to her.

`Jaime: You should scoot over here and hold my hand.`  


`Brienne: Why?`  


`Jaime: That’s what normal couples do.`  


`Brienne: Are we a normal couple?`  


`Jaime: No. We are an extraordinary couple.`  


`Brienne: Whatever. You should pay attention. She’s talking color schemes.`  


`Jaime: Come here and hold my hand.`  


`Brienne: No.`  


He looked at her. Her cheeks were pink again. He checked off the color.

“So, have you decided?” Genna asked. She was looking directly at him.

Jaime hadn’t been paying attention and he could tell Genna knew it. He could fake his way through. “Whatever you think is best. We trust your judgment.”

Genna smiled at him slyly. “So it’s decided. The wedding will take place in four months. That will give you a month for an extended honeymoon and a month for you to get settled before Brienne starts classes. It will be a tight squeeze, but I’m sure we can put together perfect wedding.”

Brienne looked like she was going to panic. Jaime tried to diffuse the situation. “Genna, I’m not sure we really want a big ceremony.” He reached over to grab Brienne’s hand in an attempt to calm her down. “Maybe we just want to run away to the Arbor and have a quickie ceremony.” He kissed Brienne’s knuckles. She was squeezing his hand painfully. At least it distracted him from the pain in his foot.

Genna tsked. “You just said you trusted my decision regarding a date. I just sent an email to Jeyne Westerling retaining her services as a wedding planner. It’s decided.”

Brienne dug her nails into his palm. His foot throbbed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Standard, "I know this has problems" disclaimer. There are reasons why I abandoned it. 
> 
> But the fic is slow right now, so here.


	4. Lunch with the Stark Ladies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene takes place after Catelyn, Arya and Sansa come to Casterly Rock. I had previously mentioned in another installment, the phone sex, that Jaime was forced to have lunch with Lancel. This lunch is Brienne on the same day.

Arya was in full argument mode. “Why can’t I have doughnuts for lunch? Aren’t we on vacation? Aren’t we supposed to have fun on vacation? Healthy food is not fun.” She looked at her mother then at the salad plate in front of her. Catelyn huffed. Sansa rolled her eyes. Brienne snorted and texted. _Again_. Maybe deflecting attention to Brienne would work. “Mother says it’s rude to text at the table.”

Arya liked Brienne. A lot. That didn’t mean she wouldn’t throw Brienne under the bus when her mother was on a rampage. If they weren’t going to have doughnuts, why did they come to Hot Pies anyway? It was known for it’s doughnuts. If you ate three doughnuts for lunch, you could have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner and it would all balance out.

Brienne turned red and slid her phone away.

Catelyn glared at Arya. “One doughnut, for dessert and only if you eat a decent lunch.” She turned to Brienne. “Yes, dear, I wanted to get you alone to talk about this whole engagement thing. You cannot be serious about marrying Jaime Lannister.”

Brienne’s phone vibrated. Arya watched Brienne’s hand twitch. She had no idea what had happened. She always thought Brienne didn’t need boys, that Brienne agreed that boys were gross. Brienne had dated Renly, but they weren’t all lovey dovey kissy. Jaime was all lovey dovey kissy. He had his arm around Brienne’s waist when they’d arrived. He had given her a big loud kiss when they’d left. Brienne hadn’t even punched him for it. Maybe Mother was right and they were drugging her.

Her mother inhaled. She was about to begin the speech she’d practiced all the way to Casterly Rock from Winterfell. Arya rolled her eyes. She and Sansa had been instructed not to interrupt. “Brienne,” Catelyn began, “men like Jaime Lannister can be overwhelming. They have big personalities and can make a woman feel special. That doesn’t mean that it’s love though. I mean, you were with Renly for two years and now it’s been less than a year and you’re jumping into a serious relationship with Jaime? It’s all rather rushed. You should take some time, think about what you really want from life.”

Brienne’s phone vibrated again.

Catelyn glanced at it and went on, “Now, I know that Renly was a different sort of man.”

It was Arya’s turn to snort. Her parents said all the time that Brienne’s relationship with Renly was weird. That Renly didn’t really care about her at all. Jaime wasn’t liked that. He acted like he cared about Brienne too much, like he cared about her more than anybody. Her mother glared. Arya looked down at her plate. Vegetables were gross.

Her mother went on. “Jaime Lannister has never been a man who can be trusted. I know it was a long time ago, but he’s done things; he’s betrayed people.”

Brienne took a deep breath. “I know Jaime isn’t the man you’d have chosen for me Catelyn, but he is not the man he once was.”

Catelyn leaned forward. “No one should choose someone for you, Brienne. You should make that choice yourself. Men like Jaime Lannister don’t change.”

“Catelyn,” Brienne began, “Jaime has _never_ been the man you thought he was. He may have done things you didn’t like, but he had his reasons. Jaime is a good man.”

Arya couldn’t take it anymore. Her mother had a thousand ways to say the same stupid thing without actually saying it. “Brienne, what Mom is saying is that just because you didn't like it when Renly put his penis in you, doesn’t mean that just because you like it when Jaime does put his penis in you that you have to marry him. Dad says Jaime’s a total dick.”

“Arya!” Catelyn admonished.

“Gods, Arya, shut up,” Sansa added.

Arya stuck out her tongue.

Brienne was turning about twenty shades of red. She began stammering, “Jaime and I ...we...” Then she put her head in her hands.

Arya went on thinking she was already in enough trouble. “You shouldn’t let a boy stick his penis in you unless you love him no matter that it feels good. Jon and Robb and Theon all say it feels really good, but they are boys, what do they know? They don’t get penises stuck in them.” She thought for a moment, then amended, “Well, Theon does, but that’s different.” She could at least try to minimize the damage by repeating her mother’s mantra. “The sex is a beautiful wonderful thing between two people who love each other.” Arya shrugged. “Jaime is probably bad at the sex anyway. Because he’s a dick.”

Brienne’s phone vibrated again. Brienne picked it up and checked her messages.

Catelyn sighed. “Arya stop saying ‘dick.’”

Brienne put down her phone. “I know this isn’t what you want for me. I know you don’t like Jaime or Tyrion or Tywin, but I’ve been living with them for a year now. Casterly Rock is my home. I fit in here. Tywin, well, no matter what you say or think about him, he’s been kind to me. Yes, he’s controlling. Yes, he thinks he can order people to do what he wants, but it’s only because he cares. Tyrion does have a certain reputation.” Arya got the side eye at that. She wondered what exactly Tyrion Lannister’s reputation was. She’d have to find out later from Jon. Brienne continued, “But all that is exaggerated.”

Catelyn just stared at her. It was rare that her mother speechless.

“And Jaime, well, Jaime, you just don’t know him, Catelyn. I need you to trust me. I’m not going to marry him unless I’m sure. He knows that. I need you to trust me about that. And believe me, it’s not about sex.”

Catelyn and Brienne had a stare down. Arya took the opportunity to hide some vegetables under the lip of her plate. Catelyn finally looked away. Brienne had stared down her mother and won. Brienne was all things magic.

Sansa grinned. “So the wedding is on? I think it’s romantic. Are you going to be married at Casterly Rock or the cathedral in Lannisport? What kind of dress are you getting? What are the flowers and colors? Have you picked bridesmaids?”

Arya thought about kicking her sister. Sansa was desperate to be a bridesmaid. She’d been looking at dresses the whole drive down. Arya made gagging noises.

Brienne sighed. “Genna is planning the wedding. You should talk to her about that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a bit of my take on Stoneheart, but with a very light-hearted feel.


	5. Arya has the Sex Talk with Jaime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the Stark family dinner, which was posted in A Shopping Trip and Two Dinners, Jaime anonymously sent Arya a big bouquet of pink flowers to school in retaliation. It was a poorly written three sentences that came out of nowhere, so I didn't post it, but you need to know for this part.
> 
> Also, Jaime and Brienne have not yet had sex, a fact which frustrates Jaime.

Arya Stark was stalking Jaime Lannister. After breakfast, she followed him when he followed Catelyn, Brienne and Sansa when they met with Genna and a wedding planner. Then after another big showy kiss with Brienne, he escaped into the Imp’s study. He was in there for hours. At lunch, he plastered himself to Brienne and after met with the Dark Lord. It was only then that Arya was able to corner him alone, playing with his tablet.

She popped up in front of his desk and slouched into a chair. “You’re a dick,” she announced.

He looked up and raised a single eyebrow at her. She wished she could do that. She’d have to practice it later in the mirror.

“And what made you decide that?” he asked.

“You sent me flowers. Pink ones. To _school_. Because you’re a dick.” It was important to let him know that she knew it was him.

He put away his tablet. “You threw food at me and ruined my sweater. It seemed the best way to say thank you.”

She waved her hand dismissively like she’d seen her father do. “It’s a rite of passage when you stay at our house. I was going to pass you through. Until you sent the flowers. I’m not now though. Because you’re a dick.”

He leaned back in his chair. “I was so close to getting the Stark seal of approval, but now I’ve missed my chance. However shall I recover?”

She narrowed her eyes. “Don’t mess with me, Lannister.”

“Oh, what will you do? Fling lettuce in my hair? Replace my aftershave with your mother’s perfume? I’m terrified.” He leaned forward. “I went to eight years of boarding school and grew up Lannister. I can handle anything a Stark can dish out.”

He was good. Probably better than she was. She decided to change tactics. She smiled at him, the smile that always convinced Dad not to punish her too harshly. “I wouldn't do anything like that. I just wanted to talk to you about Brienne.”

He eyed her warily. “What about my fiancée?” he asked.

He wasn’t fooled. She regretted starting out with the dick thing, but she couldn’t go back now. She decided to shock him into the truth. “Are you drugging her?”

He laughed at her. “What makes you think I’m drugging her?”

She narrowed her eyes and switched tactics again. It was time to take a shot in the dark. “Because she’s certainly not with you for the sex.”

His expression told her she’d hit her mark. “And what do you know about that, little girl?”

“I know that Brienne was very clear that she’s not with you for the sex. Which means you’re bad at it. She doesn’t even want to have the sex with you.”

“She told you that?”

She shrugged. This was going well. “She told Mother. I overheard.” Arya tried to remember what she’d heard Robb and Jon saying. “She said she doesn’t think you’re a giver. And you’re probably quick on the draw.” She hoped those were the right insults.

He narrowed his eyes at her. “Do you even know what that means?”

She shrugged. “Not really. But I know what I heard. You’re worse than Renly and Renly was terrible.”

“Renly was terrible?”

She nodded. “Brienne never liked it when Renly touched her. She doesn’t like it when you touch her either.”

“And she told you that?”

“Whatever. I can tell. Can’t you?” She smiled. “No? Well, that’s because you’re terrible at the sex.” She hopped out of her chair, feeling she’d won this round. She tossed him a glance over her shoulder. “And if you hurt her, I will seriously rip off your face. Later, dick!” She was out the door.


	6. The Bridal Shower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brienne, post fake-engagement, who still thinks Jaime is gay, is subjected to a Bridal Shower. The poor thing. 
> 
> As I read this over, there's no setting at all. So, imagine it's afternoon in a drawing room in Casterly Rock. Present are Brienne, Olenna and Margaery Tyrell, Catelyn, Sansa and Arya Stark, Jaime's aunts, Dorna and Genna Lannister, his cousin, Joy Hill and Tysha. Brienne is opening her gifts.

_Oh gods. Oh gods. Oh gods,_ Brienne thought as she held up the tiny piece of material. “What is it?” she asked, not really sure she wanted to know. This ‘personal’ bridal shower was, perhaps, the worst experience of her life. Catelyn had bought her a creamy satin nightgown and matching robe, probably too short. Dorna had bought her some maribou slippers, probably too small. Those were embarrassing enough, but this was much, much worse. Then Genna had gotten her what appeared to be an instructional manual. Jaime’s cousin Joy had gotten her a matching bra and thong set. This particular gift was from Jon’s girlfriend Ygritte, who couldn’t come but had sent a gift.

Sansa grabbed it and held it up. “It’s some odd type of bra, but it’s really small in the shoulders.”

Margaery took it from her. “No way is this a bra. I mean, Brienne, you don’t have much, but this is too small.”

Olenna Tyrell cleared her throat. Brienne considered swallowing her own tongue. “Ladies,” Olenna announced, “You’re holding them upside down. Those are crotchless panties.”

Brienne thought about breaking for freedom. Margaery turned them around. “Oh.”

Brienne sent a desperate look at Catelyn hoping she would end this nightmare, but Catelyn just patted her hand. She'd been pretending to be supportive of the marriage since their lunch together. “Yes yes, let’s get on to the next one.” Catelyn passed Brienne the present from Sansa and Arya. Hopefully it was something not utterly humiliating. Sansa blushed and Brienne braced herself.

She opened the gift and it was little containers. She held one up. “Is it jelly?”

Sansa smiled shyly. “It’s body butter.”

"War paint," Arya muttered.

Brienne tilted her head in confusion.

Margaery explained. “It’s for you and Jaime to lick off of each other.”

Brienne felt as if her whole body was a permanent blush. Arya made gagging noises. Catelyn glared at her daughter.

Margaery continued, “So Brienne. You haven’t told us anything about Jaime. Tell us something, come on. Share. Details.”

Olenna nodded.

Brienne floundered, “What do you want to know?”

Arya jumped in at that. “She wants to know how big his penis is.”

Brienne made noise that sounded remarkably like a turkey being strangled. It was Tysha who came to her aid. “Now we all know that Brienne is very private about those things and I’m sure Jaime wouldn’t want her telling us all his secrets, big or small.” She smiled at Brienne. “But just in case that’s an issue, here’s my gift.”

Brienne hunched over. “Maybe I could open it later?”

Olenna clucked her tongue. “Nonsense dear. We are all women here, well, girls at least,” she nodded to Arya who, had been remarkably subdued, “And what happens if you don’t know what it is or how to use it?”

Brienne opened it. There were batteries included. It was black and looked like it had a small rabbit at the end. Olenna nodded. “That is a good one. Nice choice, Tysha.” Brienne shuddered.

Arya leaned over to ask her mother something, and Catelyn shot her a warning look.

“Well, mine is the last one,” Margaery announced. Brienne eyed her warily, still shocked by the black lace teddy, garter belt and stockings she got from Olenna. Margaery’s gift was at least small. Brienne opened it up to find a small pink cylinder and a large pink ring. She held them up and looked confused. Margaery explained, “The one is a bullet for you and the other is a vibrating cockring for him. You can use them together.”

Catelyn slapped a hand over Arya's mouth. Sansa giggled. Tysha handed Brienne a mimosa. This afternoon could not end soon enough. 

When she finally escaped, she ran into Jaime, he reached for her and she shoved him away. “I will never ever forgive you for this. _Ever_.”

He raised his hands in defense. “What did I do?” He wobbled his head slightly, “This time?”

“I just suffered through a bridal shower.”

He grinned. “Did we get an excess of toasters? The wrong china pattern, wait, have we even picked out a china pattern?”

“That is a _wedding_ shower. This was a _bridal_ shower.”

“Oo,” Jaime nodded his head in understanding, “show me what you got. How about you put on a show? Make sure everything fits you well.”

“It wasn’t all clothes,” her face flamed with rage and embarrassment. “There were jars of _things_ , _things_ with batteries and something for _you_ to wear.”

“Underwear for me? Who got you that?”

She inadvertantly glanced at his crotch. “It’s not underwear.”

He raised an eyebrow. “I wear it, but it’s not underwear? What is it then?”

She put her face in her hands. “I have no idea.”

“Show it to me. Did it come with instructions? I’m curious, wench. We can figure it out together.”

She glared at him. “Oh, your Aunt Genna bought a book that will probably answer all your questions. It even has _drawings._ And you know who you could ask to explain?”

“Tyrion?” Jaime ventured a guess.

“No. Not Tyrion. _Olenna Tyrell_. She isn’t shy about sharing her many years of experience.” He drew back in horror. She went on, “Go on, go ask her. Have her discuss sizes and shapes and techniques with you. I’m going to go die of embarrassment. There are certain things you cannot unhear, Jaime. Ever.” She wrapped her arms around herself and began rocking back and forth. He took her in his arms, tucking her head into his neck.

“Was it really so awful?” he asked.

“Yes,” she mumbled into his shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Standard disclaimers of "I know, I know!" I hate bridal showers with the sex toys and the lingerie. So much second hand embarrassment for me. I just wanted to rant on that and this was my way. :)
> 
> That concludes this installment. I think I have one more of Tywin being a manipulative asshole before I post the Fake Engagement. Thank you for reading and not throwing cooked fruit in my direction.
> 
> And go watch godo's videos. She rules.


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